My eyes are raw, my funds are limited and this bed us foreign to me. But it will likely be better than staying in that awful house.
I detach myself to protect myself…
I need to feel worth something to someone.
If I don’t then I crumble.
Weak
Today was one of the worst days I’ve had… I was so desperate that I shoved my fingers down my throat until I tasted stomach acid. My vision became blurred from tears and I began sobbing.
I need to be stronger…
I find a strange comfort in harming and starving myself. These self destructive actions ensure that no one else will be able to harm me as deeply as I have.
Neither one of us want either one to say goodbye…
Failure
I failed today… I planned on consuming nothing, but gave in. Now I’m filled with regret…
I’m sure the scale will show it tomorrow… It’s the only thing that doesn’t lie to me anymore.
Selfish
On the way home my Mother asked about my arm again. I have a habit of thinking before I speak, always, but I lost control and without thinking snapped back at her. I could feel myself half snarling.
The rest of the drive home she remained silent, but every few moments I could see her glancing at my arm that I had hidden.
When I got home I saw that J had left me a video message. He confronted me about my vague and distant replies to him and mentioned that part of him feels he should give up and “bury his feelings for me once more”. At the end of the video he was near tears and I was able to see his lip quivering.
I hate that I’m doing this to him… I wish he could see that he deserves so much more, but I’m too selfish to give him up. He is my only support system and all that I have…
"I feel so intensely the delights of shutting oneself up in a little world of one’s own, with pictures and music and everything beautiful."
– Virginia Woolf, The Voyage Out (via milkwoods)
I was driving with my mother today. It’s the first time I’ve spent this long with her in months. We were talking casually when she asked what the marks on my arm were. I tried to change the subject but she asked again, so I told her that they were from work. Luckily she’s blind in one eye and has pretty awful sight in the other, because if she had gotten a better look I would have had to confront something I’ve kept hidden for years.
